Maybe this'll just be a short one...

This little thing I'm about to recount (patience o readers.. patience) has happened enough times that it's really struck me as odd. Perhaps I'm just being a little egotistical here, but I'd like to think not. Twice today I had strangers approach me for information. The first instance was simply a lady asking me how to go east so that she could go south to Union on the subway. I know that doesn't really seem odd.. but then, there were easily 20 other people there on the semi crowded platform she could have approached. Yes, I know that isn't  too odd of itself, however I feel this happens to me on a freakishly regular occasion. Asking for info from a stranger.. sure happens all the time. However it seems people skip by the other ambling pedestrians surround ing them, and somehow pick me out of the crowd to ask their questions and look for guidance. Or in many cases.. ask for smokes/money/crack..

K.. yea.. kidding on the crack part. But I have been asked for any spare donut I had that I was currently eating but a overly lardenated personage on the subway once... (my heart went out to him.. he undeniably had eating and self control issues.. poor buggers.. are brain's aren't so magical when you think of it the way we're enslaved by various maladies ..) Right. Back to my first story. Seemingly unusually large numbers of people approaching me to steer them right. Poor woeful fools. I mostly do right by em. Mostly.

It's just odd.. I can't think of a single instance where I noticed someone ask help of say, the stranger next to me, it's always me. So what is it about me that screams "friendly helpful person you should trust" ?Is there some neon and gloworm flashing sign replete with glowing arrow that hovers above my head visible to all but me?  The second time it happened.. I wasn't too surprised..I was the only person. Still twice in one day.. and on many other days.. I'm picked out of a fairly decent crowd. Now if only the lottary would show me such love.

yeesh.

Other than that.. it was a rather uneventful day.. just your usual . I have gotten up at a decent time the last two days.. enjoyed my morning.. consisting of actually eating breakfast and showering . shocker. Might have something to do with starting at 8:30 rather than 7:30. I find that I don't mind the shift as much as I thought I would, though the company of certain people definitely help. Speaking of coworkers, P mentioned that he'd taken the coffee  home to show Y. That was kinda awesome. Apparently she'd told him she didn't think he'd be any decent at the whole Supervisor gig, and so he was kinda along the lines of "Oh yea?? see? I get gifts! Nanner!". And apparently I"m now thought to be .. well "talented"... is I believe the descriptive used. If only. Oh, and the %100 Caca o was her fav. Both of theirs actually.  So glad I re-did that one. I mentioned how I was going to add "extra creamy".. and P thought I was about to say extra corny.. I guess I just feel I'm on that level of relationship with him.. ick. Anyway. Now if only life could routinely involve such fun projects for cool appreciate people. Oh wait.. I just uttered a positive in reference to the demon who walks the earth. He'd never approve. Master Jerkface it is. Anyway. Among our end of day time sux vortex blabbering  he offered to help me with a resume/cover letter, and write me a letter of rec. Sandi  said she'd do one too, now that she's moving on. That'll help the portfolio look just a tad more impressive, or so I hope.

And the final tidbit I can think of.. before I bore your eyes out with the next five neuron jumble goop that pops into my head, is that  I saw that horridly twisted and mutated doll ad again. Everything was as terrible as I'd remembered . mostly looking very impressive.. it's like the original sculpturer died right before he finished the arm.. and some amateur or CEO rather finished it off.

K well. Toodles.

That's all for now.

Expect to mention that I"m excited to have bought some very bright derby tights this evening, that likely wont' fit. Oh well. Still excited. Double header on Saturday! Woot!

Warning.. ultra negativity follows

So.. just a warning. Assuming anyone ever stumbles upon my little bloggity blog .. you should likely stay clear of ones where the title gives some sort of warning against negativity. Normally I'd post this type of entry as close-to-the-public-eyes, but I did state in my first post, and still intend , to let this be the one place I can let loose all of the crazy ass thoughts running through my head. All of me. so. You've been warned.

For one thing.. I often use writing to make decisions, or come to turns with things in life I" trying to get through or heal. It's a huge outlet.

SO let's see.. why am I in such a pissy mood today? Well.

Dave had emailed be a few days ago asking for help with learning a tune. I more often than not find that he inconveniences me when I see him.. but meh. Whatever. I haven't actually spent much time with him in months, and so I said sure. Of course, I felt I had to try and serve him a decent meal, since I've had so many lovely ones at his place. Now enters my own complete stupidity. I'd thought it would be great if I could serve him the supreme mushroom risotto in a bow of squash that I'm made very successfully in the past. The kicker here is that I had a hypnotherapy session from 2-3pm. And Dave was suppose to be here at 5:30. Throw in an hour of travel time between my appointment and home, and the fact that my apartment wasn't overly tidy.. I turned to the interwebs and found a handy-dandy recipe for crock-pot risotto. The plan was to have both the squash and risotto cooking with I was gone. In perhaps one of the absolute stupidest moment of my life, I thought the squash would be just fine to  cook at 350  in the oven while I went away. I must have been thinking of pumpkin or turkey.. anyway I get to halfway to my appointment,, and call dear old mom wondering if I'm foolishly about to burn the place down. After talking with her, and at this point reaching my station, I head back home to turn off the oven. I warned the Dr's I be "15+" minutes late. Knowing I wouldn't' get there until at least 2:30 for a 2pm.. and that was positive. Whatever. So the hypnotherapy goes well, only I think he played the wrong tape.. there was nothing about weight loss in it. Whatever. I go to the grocery, and pick up a second squash just in case, wine as a gift, and a on -sale strawberry cream pie. Of course a fat assed woman pretty much sits on it on the bus.. so it gets home mildly intact. At least the wine didn't break. SO once home, I discover that no, you  can't leave risotto in a crock pot  on low for 2.5 hours,  or it turns to absolute mush. I quickly attempted the same generally idea but with rice in the rice cocker.. it was so. I put it in the squash, which by this point was extremely dry. I didn't know squash could be so dry. So anyway. the entire fucking dinner was a disaster. At least perhaps now Dave will believe me when I say I can't cook.. and I'll be off the hook for future food preps.

Anyway so things were going fairly well. He got his songs.. stated in a roundabout way how he thinks I've improved.. but then stats in on how suck my apartment is.. how it had so much potential .. if I'd just do this and that.. like.. fuck man. You're place is pretty pathetic.. so shut the fuck up already will ya?? Or course it turns into my pretty much lack of a job.. or career rather.. implying my pathetic near poverty.. .. and just fuckity fuck. That's right. I've hit the mid thirties.. and I have no career, no relationship, no money, crappy living situation. yup. Living the FUCKING DREAAM! Thanks Dave. Do come back soon. So I get into work today, to find a number of pleasurable emails that could be suitable to print out as toilet paper.

That I can think of, two, possibly three full timers are moving on in various ways, two supervisors are going off to do other jobs up stairs, fucking Chantal and Suzanne will be moving up to acting supervisors.. and Me?? well.. there's been a hiring freeze. Thank you fucking world.

SO I was pretty sad shall we say today. Started thinking of the whole early grave  designation again. But it'd be such a pain. I don't want my family to suffer. So what the hell do you do?? Mom? Sibs.. I'm sorry but as you know my life has totally sucked these last 25 years, I can't get ahead, I don't have money to go back to school and sustain myself.. and really.. with NOTHING FUCKING going for me, I've kind of decided to quit the party early. I'm sure you understand. Please don't cry. *Sigh. But assuming I don't want them to be upset, . .I'd have to clear out my apartment, so that they wouldn't have to do that.. and get rid of everything.. and all that crap.  Pay off my taxes and my credit cards, make sure my lease was over.. and on and on. What a flipping pain. And of course.. there's.. how to go about it?? Today I was thinking that a nice whopping heroin overdose could be fun.. or some other drug that would put me out fast and painlessly. I'm so effing tired of this world.. tired.. of trying so hard for what seems like basic little things.. and getting nowhere.. and constantly feeling disappointed. I just can't seem to win.. so.. why bother right? How pathetic to think my life is just going to be.. this.. for the next.. fuck. 40 years?? If I'm lucky a lot sooner..

Anyway. I was thinking.. I should set a number on it. 45-46 max. That should give me a good margin of time. I'll get to see my nieces/nephews grow up a bit, and seriously, in 10+ years.. if I don't have someone in my life that I'm in love with/returned, or a job where I 'm happy either career wise or making a shit tone of money, or I don't own a business.. well fuck. Seriously. That's all she wrote. Maybe I'll high tale it down to an island after all.. and just.. stay. I should really do that. Go somewhere tropical.. really forget all my cares.. and just.. party till the time comes. That'd be fantastic.  I could just disappear.. be a murder victim. That'd be awesome! I don't think having your relatives murdered is quite as traumatic as suicide.. is it?? Now where could I post that poll??? 

Anyway. Yup. My life sucks. For any hypothetical reader reference, someone once said something that made a lot of sense to me: There are 3 things that really ground a person to life: Mortgages, Marriage and Munchkins. Now.. we can certainly play loosely with those terms. But generally, those are the things that keep you invested in life. I'd like to add into that a carreer, or a life spent doing what you love. You can either work for it, or do it as a hobby (if you have the job to afford doing so..), but either way, something you love. A place of your own..some large thing that is yours. A meaningful relationship where you get to demonstrate and receive intimacy. And something that needs you.. kids or perhaps puppies. Now I can see how there would be people out there who have all of this are and just dying to get away from it all and find a little adventure. Still.

So.. I could be having adventure, but I'm too broke. The only potential marriage I had in my future died about 7 fucking years ago yesterday. Thanks asshole. I'm still so fucking pissed at you and blame you for hating my life still. Jerkoff. Anyway.. I"m sure the point is clear. There's nothing holding me to this life, except to be marginally included in the lives of my siblings, that I worry will increasingly exclude me as they more firmly drift to themselves and mom is less and less the glue that brings us all together. Whatever. When that happens, I truely will be able to kiss a bullet guilt free. I digress. All I"m saying here is.. Life . I've been trying. You know I have. You've dealt me a whole shit load of fuck all. Give me a goddamn reason to live, and to enjoy life, or I'm out. I'm tired of living in this rat whole, never able to afford anything that makes life better, too few people to be close too.. Yes it could all be worse, and really I don' t have it so bad.. so long as I keep my standards super fucking low, and never want anything like.. oh vacations or a car or  place not full of mice and bugs and ceiling leaks, oh and cupbord and counter space, and a fridge that works right and not live in a place that looks like it belongs in a ghetto. Right  Yep. I'm doing so dman well.  Really though.. it's gotta get better than it is if I'm to stay around. I'm really, really, tired of this shit.

The scary thing that happened today: During subway rides these last few weeks, I've noticed myself noticing this one add. I think it's for travel  or perhaps a bank. I'm honestly not sure. I guess the advertisement isn't so effective. What is memorable however, is the figure on the poster. Basically, today, like other days, it caught my eye.. well no not with a fishhook or anything.. but it did catch my and.. and hold it (no, not with hands). So I"m looking at it, and I"m impressed, as I realize that it must be a plastic model , like id given an pathetic attempt at doing. Once I realize that, my interest level skyrocketed a few pips.. and I"m really inspecting it. This is when it dawns on me what had been so fundamentally disturbing in the shot to my lower level brain: in the doll is posed so that she is playing a guitar. But the way her left hand is molded.. is just.. creepy. There's no definition on the far side, and it is so bloody long, that if it were taken off the head stock and extended to her side.. her hand would be well below her knee. It just gave me the creeps. I have to wonder: If someone was commissioned to make a doll for a big add.. why would they do it so oddly disproportional  The whole thing was simply so very wrong!! I am eager for the day those adds are all removed .. I'll never have to see it again! It truly kinda terrorized me on some level.. as though some mad scientist got a hold of this poor soul.. amputated her arm.. stretched it a 2 sizes longer, and re-attached it.. and now she's horribly disfigured. Aiee the mental pain!

Anyway. The one fun thing that did happen today.. I finally finished, and delivered, the so called Corrupt K cups. P came over to say thanks when he saw the box. He came over a second time to say thanks for the so called flavours once he'd finally opened said box and saw what I did,and that it was more than just a mere box of coffee. (I'd opened up the bottom to put them in.. so it still looked sealed). He did also mention though that he was disappointed there was no baby Jesus related flavour, but that the Coffee with Jebus would do. He was very disappointed at the inclusion of  happy flavours. lol. He also said he wouldn't be able to drink them. Well that's nice. Guess he liked em. I guess that was pretty fun.. Common though.. Ray of fucking sunshine?? He said he had a problem with the words "ray" and "Sunshine" but at least they made him angry, so perhaps that was ok. Anyway. Yea. Fun. K. That's it. I'm out for now. I was just really surprised he didn't mention the Star Wards flavour! I was sure that was the best one.

Anway. If I die before I wake.. please know that I'll be sincerely very happy about it. Over and out.

Damn... I'm good?

My halls throat lozenge said , (or simply stated on the packaging,  ... it does not have a lung and vocal system..) "Impress yourself  today".

While I do admit to finding this increasingly used marketing ploy to make one feel more attached to a brand or product on a  more personal level amusing,  this "personalization" of store bought kaka (it's been used in yoga, beer and coke and now halls and apparently and who knows what else..) I'm not falling for it. This is no more personal than falling in love with your tech because it wakes you up almost faithfully every day… still.. we humans have ever been suckers for "cute".. it's why we allowed our infants to survive their childhood, making us into sleep deprived and broke slaves despite being greedy little ambling psychopaths, to say nothing of their inborn skills at destroying women's bodies and marriages since the dawn of humanity. I digress. And ramble. And holy hell am I gifted at writing run on sentences. Sue me.

Even if I wanted to follow this little wrappers instructions, the lack of specificity makes it a tad hard. Impress myself?? Like.. RIGHT NOW?? In general?  Before I die? All the frigging time? Jeez.. it's a lot of pressure. If the recent past is permissible as material,  then I guess this could work in relation to my email / talk with P.. I got an awesome "Yay you did good things" email.. regards to some stuff I did on the weekend. Mainly typing till my wrists wanted to disown me. I was mildly please with myself for figuring out some formatting issues, but any monkey with 10 good fingers, the ability to read and an internet connection could do that. I'm not so sure I impressed myself there. I guess we could go for the thought that this seems to be the first job where there's some meager semblance of "increasing responsibilities" that I'm moderately successful at. Still.. am I impressed with that?? It's a frigging call center.. you can't even pretend there's any rocket science happening. Not even remotely. Not on a bus.. not in a plane... wait.. um.. as I was saying.. 

I think I'm more impressed with the control I somehow manage to exert to not giving into the whims in my head, telling me I should find ways to make work a little more fun. A comic of Calvin and Hobbes comes to mind.. Calvin states.. "It's too quiet in here".. and two panes later is filling a water gun. Bringing such a scenario to work.. now that would be fun. 

So perhaps in this way I impress myself on a daily basis. ..What else could my lame personage find worth in lately? How about.. I held my new baby nephew without dropping him yesterday. Didn't even make him cry! Lucky little tyke. I count that as impressive. Does that count event though it was yesterday??? I was mighty impressed with him, but again, that was mostly my sister's doing.. Or do I still have to find a way to impress myself today??

Random Thought caused by a co-workers grumblings: Do people hold onto anger and contempt because if they aren't noticeably sour it somehow means that they accept their crappy situation??If you walk around fairly happy, in a good mood, though being discontent with some other aspect of your life, does that mean you're less likely to intervene on your own account of your sucky life? Why can't we all be happy? Cause we'd never improve or strive?? Is this true?? I don't' think so.. So shut your whine-howl, be happy, and change things while doing so. What a revelation.. you can happily go about your discontents without dragging along a little gloom-cloud behind you. (fyi.. Happiness is... having an unavoidable fart come out in a crowded and fast moving area, like the subway stairs, where no one will ever know it was you. Try and tell me you've NEVER done this!)

So there's a new goal.. to happily go about resolving one's discontent. Boo yakah!! I think that thought might just squeak onto the  "intelligence-o-meeter" under the  "Just Barely Sentient" rating. So... so there! .. Halls wrapper!  I've impressed myself for today. And with that, I end our relationship, and toss you in the garbage. I say good-day!

Till next time.. this is your ray of fucking sunshine signing off!

**Adendum - I just realized.. the letter I got from P today... it was almost like a blog post from him, in that it had just a touch of lovely wacky to it. I feel like he wrote me my very own P Blog.. like.. it's a signed piece of art.. or .. short story signed by the author.. it's so very special! (Note: that should read in a sarcastically sincere kids cartoon voice). I 'll keep it's electronic body forever n' ever. *Sniffles and snot!

Warning: TMI involving my wishful love live below!

I wish my brain were half as useful as it used to be. Oh wait.. It never was very good at remembering much. 

Two things happened today that I was going to comment on, but sadly I can remember neither of them.

So.. instead  of those marvelous recounts, I guess I'll just meander aimlessly until my neurons cough up aforementioned memories. 

OH yes!!! Item numeral uno!!! (Damn that was quick! Gotta do that from now on.)

I'm not sure I've yet mentioned it on here or not.. but the guy I'd had a little bit of a highschoolgirl-force crush on... the tall cute guy at work.. well of course.. I started out thinking he was quite fine. He did flirt with me.. at one point saying "I'm the biggest" while walking away.. and commenting that the new closet was going to be our make-out room.. (I've noticed he has a habit of dealing his so called zingers whilst on the retreat..) and there is no doubt he was referring to his cock. Which .. is just mean to say to a girl that's now been 6 months and counting since last playmate, and a mostly unavailable one at that. 

So.. yes.. Mr. Tall, thickly built cutie walks around claiming he was "the biggest"? My mind went into overdrive. My poor vibrator is still reeling.. trying to figure out just what the heck is going on..

Slowly over the next two weeks.. small things happened that unfortunately lowered my opinion of him. 

I noticed he "borrowed" a lot of items.. including food.. and never seemed to pay back. I overheard him on the phone asking to extend a loan. Then once saw him looking through the work fridge, as he had no food at home apparently. I wonder if he's supporting a couple of kids somewhere.. cute.. big guy like that.. who seems to enjoy hot ladies like he does.. I wouldn't be surprised. I overheard him talking to.. someone.. saying that he could tell some random woman sported a shaved beaver by looking at her pants.  

And.. uh.. yeah. WHAT THE MELTING FUDGESICLE IS HE DOING noticing shit like that?? Apparently, Scorpios are sex craved (slight exaggeration) but oh my fu-bar!! A. lost it on him one day for texting her, calling him a creeper.. I guess now I see she had the right of it. Yikes!!

So the clincher?? Yesterday I worked an evening shift with him. I arrived before him, and I'd just bought two boxes of cookies from Shoppers as they were $2 instead of $5+. I later bummed a smoke from him, he did owe me one. And I thought it odd that he asked.. "are you going right now?"... This was about a 3rd the way through the evening shift. He took off right at the end of shift. About 5 minutes after, I went to help myself to the cookies I'd just bought. Low and behold (you know where this is going..) one ENTIRE BOX was gone. I highly doubt that the other two who'd arrived as relief would have gone in there in the first 5 minutes of their shift to search the cupboards and steal cookies with 3 other people in the place. 

And so.. we have our pathetic little food thief. I'm keeping it to myself. I wish I knew his circumstances, I wish I could help him out knowledge-wise.. but I guess there's no reason to go there. 

Still. Holy shit! So from dreamy Superman-ish icon I very much wanted to dance in bed and all over the house with,  to... lowly pathetic womanizing cookie-robber. Oh sweet .. disappointing surprise. I wonder what his overall life path is.. what he's "working" on. I  imagine he's none too happy in life at this point. OH to be a yellow ajah of the mind. I should have been a counselor. It'll hard not to be odd around him now. Or call him Cookie Monster...

Now then.. there was some other curious thing that happened today.. trying to remember what it might have been. I woke up, spent a good part of the morning being gloriously lazy in bed. Eventually got up, tidied up a bit (though you'd never know it) and went to buy some fiddle strings and a music book, and then to Best Buy to return the laptop. Somewhere in there, I witnessed something odd and vaguely interesting. Can't for the life of me remember what it was though. Curses!

K. That's enough. 

You're not worth a title!

BTW...

Another thing I"m now permitting myself to do.

Let my inner slut grow. Here's another life goal.. I've conjured up in my twisted little head what I feel to be a rather delightful adult comic. I have the main characters generally flushed out.. now comes the pleasure of learning to draw them. For all I know.. my theme and story has been done before. Oh well..
I'm really looking for the opportunity to draw some lovely creatures, and hope others will enjoy it as well. Just need a pseudo name...

The glory of large smooth ovals.

En-guard maggoty misbegotten magots!
For today will be a dull post indeed!
I have not much in particular to write about.. but yet still I feel like taking up this infinitesimal amount of space on the interweb, as well as these sliced seconds from your life. You'll never get them back!
Besides.. what else were you going to do with those moments?? Watch monkey porn?? But of course you were! And yes.. it does exists.. ever watched nature shows with your grandparents?? I have. I've seen all kinds of animal kingdom porn. Doubt they pay them animals much for their fine performances. What if human porn were like nature porn??

Great shot.. get a little grab in there.. yup.. now do some butt slapping.. and cut! That's a wrap. Great job Tostito and Marmalade.. here's your 5 bananas!

As you can see.. I"m in a fantastic mood!
What? You're just dying to know why? Well. yeesh. No need to kill yourself.. of. spew out your intestines all over my blog in anticipation.. though seriously.. if you do ever find yourself spewing intestinal organs.. please get tested for ebola.. or rather.. leave the city, dig your self a grave..and please stay the F away from me!! In the meantime.. here's my story:

Maybe I'll make you wait a bit.. it'll add to the excitement  but I can't promise it'll do anything for the entertainment value of my story. I never did claim any responsibility for that.

K.. story.. really this time... So... looking to change my life. Obviously some of this unwanted weight has to go.. and the thoughts of my quad skates keep seeping into my mind. They seep.. and then they pulsate.. throbbing.. they speak to me in whispered voices.."you want to wear us.. you miss us.. you want to skate. .. "to which I finally the other day thought.. hell yes!! I do miss my skates!!

Rewinding about 3 or more months ago, I was talking with someone who told me about Loco Derby.. low contact/low commitment .. I'm sorry... was that invented just for me?? I think so! Now if only they added in .. low fee. Well..supposedly you can't have it all. Though when I do start reffing, it will be no fee. Whee!

I finally found the guts to get out to a practice tonight. I almost chickened. I'm good at that, especially when worried about future commitment, regularity and not being able to show up.

Anyway, finally went out.. and had a damn hootin' blast. There were only 8 peeps there, including coach / ref. So there weren't too many bodies to smash into, and they took it really easy on me and the other newb. I'm in love all over again. Nice peeps.. even though they look scary.. and best of all, it's on Friday nights. So.. derby then beers. Don't mind if I do!

And between the GTars and the Rollergettes.. they have the best logo and colour IMHO.. sassy cartoon, main colour blue. Bring it! Even got a compliment on my name (Coco Pow!). Always a thrill. Anyway. So.. as long as my hip doesn't ass out, and I don't wimp out.. hopefully I'm back in. Once I know what the hell I'm doing, then perhaps someday I will sass up and play for real. It'd be hawt to be out there on a track for sure.
 Oh.. and the glorious smooth ovals?? No silly.. I'm not talking about anyone's anus.. .. besides.. I don't think those are smooth.. I'm referring instead to the polished cement floor that often serves as a derby track. Aw shit.. my blog almost got exciting eh?? Sorry to disappoint.

And in other news?? Guys are dicks. Except for Mullins, he's a sweet little cutie. Anyway.
I'm getting bored of typing, so.. I think I'll go find some other stimulating passtime.. like.. seeing how fast my brain will liquefy in my blender.. or drinking a bottle of crazy ass hot sauce.. or maybe I'll just have to go and try to deliver random boxed up stuff I don't' want.. and deliver them as "parcels" to my neighbors, and see if I can convince them they owe my duty charges. Woot! Don't try this in Ameerrica kids.. you'd get shot!!.
Till next time.

Short TO DO:

About to head out to the Gladstone, but before I do that..

Just some notes to myself.. (yep.. guess I'm gonna do that here)..

I need to make a website entitled "And idiots guide to understanding the world".

Aimed at people like myself and my sisters.. who pathetically have the barest understanding of how life and the world works outside of their own lives. The downside of growing up bias free.. we have near zero understanding of how most religions, theism's, governments, or any of the rest of the world's main arguments and concerns work. We barely know they exist. I've tried correcting the problem a time or three.. but it's a LOT to catch up on.. and no quick and dirty beginner's guide that I have yet found.

Also.. for all you attentive juggernauts out there (in all honesty, I expect no one ever to even glimpse these pages) I also intend to post my unasked for thoughts and opinions on the mess of the world, focusing in on a lovely but doomed planet.

Well.. off to do some fiddling.
Hidy ho jerks!!!

You can be anyone online.. even yourself!!

So... inspiration..inspired.. lately I had been thinking...  (sorry there will be limited punctuation here due it being written on a tablet.. I`ll attempt to correct it later once I have access to a PC..for now.. this is the best my thumbs are gonna give you. Annoying I know) .

Anyhow, I'd recently thought that I should finally grow the fuck up and kill off my silly side.  I feel I've been holding myself back for far too long, and it's time to turn into a mature competent young woman (if I can still be called young).  I guess I was working on that these last six months or so, but I am not sure I was really all the better for it, and I think I was becoming quite sad. silliness  and being carefree is simply what I am. So says all of the astrology texts. I'm either doomed professionally.. or.. I dunno. But trying to lose that side of myself, after feeling like it was holing me back.. backfired.  I was just becoming a cold, numb crankypants. Thankfully a work supervisor has unknowingly saved me from myself.  Enter P.

 I'm (unromantically!) enthralled in some odd way.. he's funny and perhaps a jackass and totally ADD.. and yet somehow still got the position for manager at work. When I first started at the call center, he was a regular phone guy like myself.. I  vaguely remember my first exposure to his unique personality.. we worked a single evening shift together .. he talked pretty much the entire night. He`s since been promoted to supervisor.. and between his ADD, and the assaholic stories he recounts of how he treats his wife... I`ve been struck dumb.. until reading his blog and  finally understanding him a little more.. now he`s one of my favorite people around, and I don't believe half the crud that comes outta his noise maker). Anyway I just love joking with him. It`s such a rare treat when one silly ADD adult finds another ADD carefree adult to be silly with. Such a damn relief.. you normal mortals will just never know. So  the other day I noticed he'd included his lj through fb.   Early on in person he`d recounted the story of how he`d ended up married. Apparently one of  his good friends was laughing his face off at his blog and Yuki, his soon to be wife, inquired as to what he was dying over, so she started reading,  and laughed.. um apparently a lot, to the point where she wanted to meet him. So they met. And it led to marriage. ahhhh puke.

Anyway... thinking of the induced spasmical breathing .. here I was bored and gloomy, and so inspired to follow the link. I feel maybe I shouldn't write this, what if he see this someday and thinks I'm a wacked goon? (ok yes I`m a little wacked... but as Tim Burton says.. those are the only worthwhile people.. so .. proud?) Yes.. in the boredom and loneliness of my sometimes pathetic life, I'll try to understand and get a better grip on the people in my life, however marginally, and of humanity overall. yup.. I read his blog. If that makes me a creeper.... oh well. **Don't think I am though.. it IS a public blog that he posted on his FB .. so invite.. right?

It was beautiful, hilarious and touching. I swear I am more sane as a person for reading it, and actually a little more hopeful and understanding of humanity. It was bold and awesome, rude and raw in a way I often wish I have the guts to be, smart and witty and oh so deliciously sarcastic. Turns out it hasn't been updated since 2009. I guess there's just some awesome laughing gas locked up there in some complex form... along with some very honest and gut wrenching pain. I was laughing so hard I was crying in numerous places. Damn! Just when I'm convinced that the male half of the population are all a pack of heartless, emotionless and asseholic goons.. comes this beautiful, hilarious, sarcastically crass yet bone-tissue raw blog that leaves me with a bare shred of hope.

Between what I'd read, and what he's told me over our shifts together.. well.. I just wish I'd been able to be a friend to him back when he so very much needed one. Honestly, I suspect most people have this raw humanity to them.. I just wish I could know everyone on this level.. without all the posturing and disguises we carry around. Curse you universe! You give us all these painful existences to fully experience and appreciate the gamut of humanity and emotion, and while it may shape us into better beings, laying it on so thick  without proper support, I think it fucks us all unfairly more than it helps us. What can you do when you're a mere mortal besides shake your fist heavenwards and scream Khan??? Very little. That's what. Except to substitute Kahn invoking skywards fist shaking with a little sigh. So that's what I did.

Lately I've been thinking that life is a bit like a broken or ill designed machine. It's like there's this great time lapse or large error of redundancy... wait... backup...

Imagine there is a grand life master. Either at conception or ongoing-ly, some little ethereal angle or alternate planar pixies mixes up a dish of cookies whose ingredients are the overall impressions and experiences of your life. I imagine the recipe is meant to be fairly well balanced and exact... like making bread... ingredients going in at the proper time, be at certain temperatures ect. and the result will be your life experience, nicely formed and balanced, so as to prevent those terrible states of suicide inducing thoughts or 20 years of life wasted without a shred of self confidence or feelings of self worth.

Only thanks to the time lapse between the ethereal universe and our own, (Read : Autobiography of a Yogi) things, experiences and events get thrown into our lives at the wrong time, in the wrong amounts, without the balancing agents. We get a nice huge does of "shit on" so to speak, without the nice side dish of "helpful and understanding friends" to go along with it. aka, in many ways I feel like I'm just now able to handle the complex world that was high school, and yet I've never really been so at ease with peers for feeling too old spirited.  anyhow. all this to roundabout to  say.. what Paul wrote really struck a chord, and I wish to fucks sake that I'd been able to lessen his pain even a smidge. But I knew/know him at the wrong time. Sigh. Kahn. 

In an nutshell ? (Common.. there are never nut shells)  the raw and beautiful honesty of his blog, .. the freedom he had to simply write an honest stream of silly randomized consciousness.. I guess has thrown my thinking on down the toilet. To hell with being proper and grown up, to hell with just exploring ridiculousness  because you have some amount of imagination to do so. Fuck it,

 I'm not sure I've ever really taken on the place or the freedom to be truly me anywhere in life. (Ok.. most of us don't). I love how sarcastic, rude, crude and crass his blog was.  There was none of that  "oh shit I can't write this`n that because it's totally mean/bullshit/assaholic or weird and spooky, no apologetics or self editing. I`ve  been able to show my so called true self to a few.. but still I've always been so nice and polite. Certainly never been vulgar, overly shocking or gasp! Sexual! I'm sure it'd be fun.  So fuck it. here finally.. you are cordially being warned, I intend to let whatever honest thoughts and random comments that run through these goopey grey neurons of mine out into the cyber world. Lovingly intentioned and bad mood induced insults and all. Thank you P, for your unknowing and completely unintentional liberation, found in the dying ghost of an old blog. I feel saved.

For many, I know my ADD and carefree nature is too much and completely alien. There have been so many times where I"m "Too Much" for those around me. Too hyper, excited, passionate, enthusiastic, honest, free, loving, giving, sad.... but hell. That's me. I may continue to try to rope that in more... at least on the material plane. But here finally.. no more... hiding. or pretending that half of me doesn't exist. 

My tender little shit herders..  (gawd it feels god throw out something untargetedly offensive.. have I ever permitted myself to do that?) this is the start of something marvelous. The freedom to be mean, and perhaps a little bit nasty.... cause I'm tired of always being so eerily "nice", and putting everyone elses sensitivities before mine. .I should make it clear.. I'm not out to hurt or purposefully insult anyone, anymore than a comedian picks on the people at the front row of their shows. I"m just tired of being do politically correct all the time, and here, finally.. as I think of it.. I'm going to play with the black paint!

The little blog of un sugar coated honesty begins. This is me, unfiltered. And  for once, I don't give a flying fuck if you like or hate me. I want everyone in the world to be happy and find peace.., and if I can somehow help you.. you need a friend or an ear..  please ask..but I'm dropping the sense of responsibility I have for your happiness, or my cares for offending you as of now. And I'm finally giving myself permission to be crass and fucked up. : )

If you monkey wieners don't like it.. ..... (ahhhhhhhhhh that feels good)... don't read it. Note: I will post some sort of disclaimer/warning if I'll be mentioning things pertaining to my imagined love life, you may wish to skip over those. 

I was inspired to start writing this earlier today just to get it going before losing momentum, but couldn't get it going because I had a train to catch so that I could further bring into reality the proof that my ass is decrepit and old by having a tooth removed.

But now that this blog is started.. it's real. Until next time my overly adherent social norms! I have to stop being a jerk to my mom whose trying to sleep beside me, and honestly I'm tired of typing on this thing.  mwuah!