So... inspiration..inspired..
lately I had been thinking... (sorry there will be limited punctuation
here due it being written on a tablet.. I`ll attempt to correct it later once I
have access to a PC..for now.. this is the best my thumbs are gonna give you. Annoying
I know) .
Anyhow, I'd recently
thought that I should finally grow the fuck up and kill off my silly side. I
feel I've been holding myself back for far too long, and it's time to turn into
a mature competent young woman (if I can still be called young). I guess I was working on that these last six
months or so, but I am not sure I was really all the better for it, and I think
I was becoming quite sad. silliness and being
carefree is simply what I am. So says all of the astrology texts. I'm either
doomed professionally.. or.. I dunno. But trying to lose that side of myself,
after feeling like it was holing me back.. backfired. I was just becoming a cold, numb crankypants. Thankfully
a work supervisor has unknowingly saved me from myself. Enter P.
I'm (unromantically!)
enthralled in some odd way.. he's funny and perhaps a jackass and totally ADD..
and yet somehow still got the position for manager at work. When I first
started at the call center, he was a regular phone guy like myself.. I vaguely remember my first exposure to his
unique personality.. we worked a single evening shift together .. he talked
pretty much the entire night. He`s since been promoted to supervisor.. and between
his ADD, and the assaholic stories he recounts of how he treats his wife...
I`ve been struck dumb.. until reading his blog and finally understanding
him a little more.. now he`s one of my favorite people around, and I don't believe half the crud that comes outta his noise maker). Anyway I just
love joking with him. It`s such a rare treat when one silly ADD adult finds another
ADD carefree adult to be silly with. Such a damn relief.. you normal mortals
will just never know. So the other day I
noticed he'd included his lj through fb. Early
on in person he`d recounted the story of how he`d ended up married. Apparently
one of his good friends was laughing his
face off at his blog and Yuki, his soon to be wife, inquired as to what he was
dying over, so she started reading, and
laughed.. um apparently a lot, to the point where she wanted to meet him.
So they met. And it led to marriage. ahhhh puke.
Anyway... thinking of the
induced spasmical breathing .. here I was bored and gloomy, and so inspired to follow
the link. I feel maybe I shouldn't write this, what if he see this someday and
thinks I'm a wacked goon? (ok yes I`m a little wacked... but as Tim Burton
says.. those are the only worthwhile people.. so .. proud?) Yes.. in the boredom
and loneliness of my sometimes pathetic life, I'll try to understand and get a
better grip on the people in my life, however marginally, and of humanity overall.
yup.. I read his blog. If that makes me a creeper.... oh well. **Don't think I am though.. it IS a public blog that he posted on his FB .. so invite.. right?
It was beautiful,
hilarious and touching. I swear I am more sane as a person for reading it, and
actually a little more hopeful and understanding of humanity. It was bold and
awesome, rude and raw in a way I often wish I have the guts to be, smart and
witty and oh so deliciously sarcastic. Turns out it hasn't been updated since
2009. I guess there's just some awesome laughing gas locked up there in some complex
form... along with some very honest and gut wrenching pain. I was laughing so
hard I was crying in numerous places. Damn! Just when I'm convinced that the
male half of the population are all a pack of heartless, emotionless and
asseholic goons.. comes this beautiful, hilarious, sarcastically crass yet bone-tissue
raw blog that leaves me with a bare shred of hope.
Between what I'd read,
and what he's told me over our shifts together.. well.. I just wish I'd been
able to be a friend to him back when he so very much needed one. Honestly, I
suspect most people have this raw humanity to them.. I just wish I could know
everyone on this level.. without all the posturing and disguises we carry
around. Curse you universe! You give us all these painful existences to fully
experience and appreciate the gamut of humanity and emotion, and while it may
shape us into better beings, laying it on so thick without proper
support, I think it fucks us all unfairly more than it helps us. What can you
do when you're a mere mortal besides shake your fist heavenwards and scream
Khan??? Very little. That's what. Except to substitute Kahn invoking skywards
fist shaking with a little sigh. So that's what I did.
Lately I've been
thinking that life is a bit like a broken or ill designed machine. It's like
there's this great time lapse or large error of redundancy... wait... backup...
Imagine there is a
grand life master. Either at conception or ongoing-ly, some little ethereal
angle or alternate planar pixies mixes up a dish of cookies whose ingredients
are the overall impressions and experiences of your life. I imagine the recipe
is meant to be fairly well balanced and exact... like making bread... ingredients
going in at the proper time, be at certain temperatures ect. and the result
will be your life experience, nicely formed and balanced, so as to prevent those terrible
states of suicide inducing thoughts or 20 years of life wasted without a shred
of self confidence or feelings of self worth.
Only thanks to the
time lapse between the ethereal universe and our own, (Read : Autobiography of
a Yogi) things, experiences and events get thrown into our lives at the wrong
time, in the wrong amounts, without the balancing agents. We get a nice huge
does of "shit on" so to speak, without the nice side dish of
"helpful and understanding friends" to go along with it. aka, in many
ways I feel like I'm just now able to handle the complex world that was high
school, and yet I've never really been so at ease with peers for feeling too
old spirited. anyhow. all this to
roundabout to say.. what Paul wrote really
struck a chord, and I wish to fucks sake that I'd been able to lessen his pain
even a smidge. But I knew/know him at the wrong time. Sigh. Kahn.
In an nutshell ? (Common..
there are never nut shells) the raw and
beautiful honesty of his blog, .. the freedom he had to simply write an honest
stream of silly randomized consciousness.. I guess has thrown my thinking on down the toilet. To
hell with being proper and grown up, to hell with just exploring ridiculousness because you have some amount of imagination to do so. Fuck it,
I'm not sure I've
ever really taken on the place or the freedom to be truly me anywhere in life.
(Ok.. most of us don't). I love how sarcastic, rude, crude and crass his blog
was. There was none of that "oh shit I can't write this`n that because
it's totally mean/bullshit/assaholic or weird and spooky, no apologetics or self
editing. I`ve been able to show my so
called true self to a few.. but still I've always been so nice and polite. Certainly never been vulgar, overly shocking or gasp! Sexual! I'm sure it'd be fun. So
fuck it. here finally.. you are cordially being warned, I intend to let
whatever honest thoughts and random comments that run through these goopey grey
neurons of mine out into the cyber world. Lovingly intentioned and bad mood
induced insults and all. Thank you P, for your unknowing and completely
unintentional liberation, found in the dying ghost of an old blog. I feel saved.
For many, I know my ADD
and carefree nature is too much and completely alien. There have been so many times where I"m "Too Much" for those around me. Too hyper, excited, passionate, enthusiastic, honest, free, loving, giving, sad.... but hell. That's me. I may continue to try to
rope that in more... at least on the material plane. But here finally.. no
more... hiding. or pretending that half of me doesn't exist.
My tender little shit herders..
(gawd it feels god throw out something untargetedly offensive.. have I ever
permitted myself to do that?) this is the start of something marvelous. The freedom to be mean, and perhaps a little bit nasty.... cause I'm tired of always being so eerily "nice", and putting everyone elses sensitivities before mine. .I should make it clear.. I'm not out to hurt or purposefully insult anyone, anymore than a comedian picks on the people at the front row of their shows. I"m just tired of being do politically correct all the time, and here, finally.. as I think of it.. I'm going to play with the black paint!
The little blog of un
sugar coated honesty begins. This is me, unfiltered. And for once, I don't give a flying fuck if you
like or hate me. I want everyone in the world to be happy and find peace.., and
if I can somehow help you.. you need a friend or an ear.. please ask..but I'm dropping the sense of responsibility
I have for your happiness, or my cares for offending you as of now. And I'm finally giving myself permission
to be crass and fucked up. : )
If you monkey wieners
don't like it.. ..... (ahhhhhhhhhh that feels good)... don't read it. Note: I will post some sort of disclaimer/warning if I'll be mentioning things pertaining to my imagined love life, you may wish to skip over those.
I was inspired to
start writing this earlier today just to get it going before losing momentum,
but couldn't get it going because I had a train to catch so that I could
further bring into reality the proof that my ass is decrepit and old by having
a tooth removed.
But now that this blog is started.. it's real. Until next time my overly adherent social norms! I have to
stop being a jerk to my mom whose trying to sleep beside me, and honestly I'm
tired of typing on this thing. mwuah!
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