Warning.. ultra negativity follows

So.. just a warning. Assuming anyone ever stumbles upon my little bloggity blog .. you should likely stay clear of ones where the title gives some sort of warning against negativity. Normally I'd post this type of entry as close-to-the-public-eyes, but I did state in my first post, and still intend , to let this be the one place I can let loose all of the crazy ass thoughts running through my head. All of me. so. You've been warned.

For one thing.. I often use writing to make decisions, or come to turns with things in life I" trying to get through or heal. It's a huge outlet.

SO let's see.. why am I in such a pissy mood today? Well.

Dave had emailed be a few days ago asking for help with learning a tune. I more often than not find that he inconveniences me when I see him.. but meh. Whatever. I haven't actually spent much time with him in months, and so I said sure. Of course, I felt I had to try and serve him a decent meal, since I've had so many lovely ones at his place. Now enters my own complete stupidity. I'd thought it would be great if I could serve him the supreme mushroom risotto in a bow of squash that I'm made very successfully in the past. The kicker here is that I had a hypnotherapy session from 2-3pm. And Dave was suppose to be here at 5:30. Throw in an hour of travel time between my appointment and home, and the fact that my apartment wasn't overly tidy.. I turned to the interwebs and found a handy-dandy recipe for crock-pot risotto. The plan was to have both the squash and risotto cooking with I was gone. In perhaps one of the absolute stupidest moment of my life, I thought the squash would be just fine to  cook at 350  in the oven while I went away. I must have been thinking of pumpkin or turkey.. anyway I get to halfway to my appointment,, and call dear old mom wondering if I'm foolishly about to burn the place down. After talking with her, and at this point reaching my station, I head back home to turn off the oven. I warned the Dr's I be "15+" minutes late. Knowing I wouldn't' get there until at least 2:30 for a 2pm.. and that was positive. Whatever. So the hypnotherapy goes well, only I think he played the wrong tape.. there was nothing about weight loss in it. Whatever. I go to the grocery, and pick up a second squash just in case, wine as a gift, and a on -sale strawberry cream pie. Of course a fat assed woman pretty much sits on it on the bus.. so it gets home mildly intact. At least the wine didn't break. SO once home, I discover that no, you  can't leave risotto in a crock pot  on low for 2.5 hours,  or it turns to absolute mush. I quickly attempted the same generally idea but with rice in the rice cocker.. it was so. I put it in the squash, which by this point was extremely dry. I didn't know squash could be so dry. So anyway. the entire fucking dinner was a disaster. At least perhaps now Dave will believe me when I say I can't cook.. and I'll be off the hook for future food preps.

Anyway so things were going fairly well. He got his songs.. stated in a roundabout way how he thinks I've improved.. but then stats in on how suck my apartment is.. how it had so much potential .. if I'd just do this and that.. like.. fuck man. You're place is pretty pathetic.. so shut the fuck up already will ya?? Or course it turns into my pretty much lack of a job.. or career rather.. implying my pathetic near poverty.. .. and just fuckity fuck. That's right. I've hit the mid thirties.. and I have no career, no relationship, no money, crappy living situation. yup. Living the FUCKING DREAAM! Thanks Dave. Do come back soon. So I get into work today, to find a number of pleasurable emails that could be suitable to print out as toilet paper.

That I can think of, two, possibly three full timers are moving on in various ways, two supervisors are going off to do other jobs up stairs, fucking Chantal and Suzanne will be moving up to acting supervisors.. and Me?? well.. there's been a hiring freeze. Thank you fucking world.

SO I was pretty sad shall we say today. Started thinking of the whole early grave  designation again. But it'd be such a pain. I don't want my family to suffer. So what the hell do you do?? Mom? Sibs.. I'm sorry but as you know my life has totally sucked these last 25 years, I can't get ahead, I don't have money to go back to school and sustain myself.. and really.. with NOTHING FUCKING going for me, I've kind of decided to quit the party early. I'm sure you understand. Please don't cry. *Sigh. But assuming I don't want them to be upset, . .I'd have to clear out my apartment, so that they wouldn't have to do that.. and get rid of everything.. and all that crap.  Pay off my taxes and my credit cards, make sure my lease was over.. and on and on. What a flipping pain. And of course.. there's.. how to go about it?? Today I was thinking that a nice whopping heroin overdose could be fun.. or some other drug that would put me out fast and painlessly. I'm so effing tired of this world.. tired.. of trying so hard for what seems like basic little things.. and getting nowhere.. and constantly feeling disappointed. I just can't seem to win.. so.. why bother right? How pathetic to think my life is just going to be.. this.. for the next.. fuck. 40 years?? If I'm lucky a lot sooner..

Anyway. I was thinking.. I should set a number on it. 45-46 max. That should give me a good margin of time. I'll get to see my nieces/nephews grow up a bit, and seriously, in 10+ years.. if I don't have someone in my life that I'm in love with/returned, or a job where I 'm happy either career wise or making a shit tone of money, or I don't own a business.. well fuck. Seriously. That's all she wrote. Maybe I'll high tale it down to an island after all.. and just.. stay. I should really do that. Go somewhere tropical.. really forget all my cares.. and just.. party till the time comes. That'd be fantastic.  I could just disappear.. be a murder victim. That'd be awesome! I don't think having your relatives murdered is quite as traumatic as suicide.. is it?? Now where could I post that poll??? 

Anyway. Yup. My life sucks. For any hypothetical reader reference, someone once said something that made a lot of sense to me: There are 3 things that really ground a person to life: Mortgages, Marriage and Munchkins. Now.. we can certainly play loosely with those terms. But generally, those are the things that keep you invested in life. I'd like to add into that a carreer, or a life spent doing what you love. You can either work for it, or do it as a hobby (if you have the job to afford doing so..), but either way, something you love. A place of your own..some large thing that is yours. A meaningful relationship where you get to demonstrate and receive intimacy. And something that needs you.. kids or perhaps puppies. Now I can see how there would be people out there who have all of this are and just dying to get away from it all and find a little adventure. Still.

So.. I could be having adventure, but I'm too broke. The only potential marriage I had in my future died about 7 fucking years ago yesterday. Thanks asshole. I'm still so fucking pissed at you and blame you for hating my life still. Jerkoff. Anyway.. I"m sure the point is clear. There's nothing holding me to this life, except to be marginally included in the lives of my siblings, that I worry will increasingly exclude me as they more firmly drift to themselves and mom is less and less the glue that brings us all together. Whatever. When that happens, I truely will be able to kiss a bullet guilt free. I digress. All I"m saying here is.. Life . I've been trying. You know I have. You've dealt me a whole shit load of fuck all. Give me a goddamn reason to live, and to enjoy life, or I'm out. I'm tired of living in this rat whole, never able to afford anything that makes life better, too few people to be close too.. Yes it could all be worse, and really I don' t have it so bad.. so long as I keep my standards super fucking low, and never want anything like.. oh vacations or a car or  place not full of mice and bugs and ceiling leaks, oh and cupbord and counter space, and a fridge that works right and not live in a place that looks like it belongs in a ghetto. Right  Yep. I'm doing so dman well.  Really though.. it's gotta get better than it is if I'm to stay around. I'm really, really, tired of this shit.

The scary thing that happened today: During subway rides these last few weeks, I've noticed myself noticing this one add. I think it's for travel  or perhaps a bank. I'm honestly not sure. I guess the advertisement isn't so effective. What is memorable however, is the figure on the poster. Basically, today, like other days, it caught my eye.. well no not with a fishhook or anything.. but it did catch my and.. and hold it (no, not with hands). So I"m looking at it, and I"m impressed, as I realize that it must be a plastic model , like id given an pathetic attempt at doing. Once I realize that, my interest level skyrocketed a few pips.. and I"m really inspecting it. This is when it dawns on me what had been so fundamentally disturbing in the shot to my lower level brain: in the doll is posed so that she is playing a guitar. But the way her left hand is molded.. is just.. creepy. There's no definition on the far side, and it is so bloody long, that if it were taken off the head stock and extended to her side.. her hand would be well below her knee. It just gave me the creeps. I have to wonder: If someone was commissioned to make a doll for a big add.. why would they do it so oddly disproportional  The whole thing was simply so very wrong!! I am eager for the day those adds are all removed .. I'll never have to see it again! It truly kinda terrorized me on some level.. as though some mad scientist got a hold of this poor soul.. amputated her arm.. stretched it a 2 sizes longer, and re-attached it.. and now she's horribly disfigured. Aiee the mental pain!

Anyway. The one fun thing that did happen today.. I finally finished, and delivered, the so called Corrupt K cups. P came over to say thanks when he saw the box. He came over a second time to say thanks for the so called flavours once he'd finally opened said box and saw what I did,and that it was more than just a mere box of coffee. (I'd opened up the bottom to put them in.. so it still looked sealed). He did also mention though that he was disappointed there was no baby Jesus related flavour, but that the Coffee with Jebus would do. He was very disappointed at the inclusion of  happy flavours. lol. He also said he wouldn't be able to drink them. Well that's nice. Guess he liked em. I guess that was pretty fun.. Common though.. Ray of fucking sunshine?? He said he had a problem with the words "ray" and "Sunshine" but at least they made him angry, so perhaps that was ok. Anyway. Yea. Fun. K. That's it. I'm out for now. I was just really surprised he didn't mention the Star Wards flavour! I was sure that was the best one.

Anway. If I die before I wake.. please know that I'll be sincerely very happy about it. Over and out.